Two Hands; One Beating Heart

Dawn breaks cool over the Clanhold this morning. Awake at 6:00am, I laid in the bed until 30 minutes past. After that my brain was too aware for more sleep and I wandered downstairs by the light of  an apple scented candle. The gentle breeze outside tugs at the branches of the dogwood tree, birds sing softly in the yard. Durellen, my black domestic short haired cat, sleeps contently on a blanket beside me. My tummy reminds me that there are pasture raised, farm fresh eggs in the fridge and my mind turns to possible ideas for breakfast.

Still waking up, I put on Paula Cole's Album This Fire, humming along with "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?"

Some of you know I have been going through a low spell due to several contributing factors, the least of which has been losing roughly one half of my current novel project to data corruption. When you fall off the horse, you got to get back in the saddle. So they say but there is no mention made whether the horse in question has the good graces to wait for you before it runs off. Or stand still, even pause a moment to let you get your foot and shaking heart back in the stirrup. I have felt for the last two months as if I have been trailing the horse, getting just within touching distance before the mare's head comes up sharp and through my fingers the reins do slip


Such has been my battle with depression. 

There have been other things but they are of a more personal nature. Relationships ended. Trust tested to the breaking point. The myriad joys and woes of parenting. Late summer was so much having known one's place and then given reason to question it. It has felt a little like floundering in a great river, loose purchase on the rocky bed below,. The cold and rushing currents confusing me and diverting me from my course. The mutual desire to want to talk to a friend about certain things and the knowledge that in sharing some news, you change the lay of the land. The adage "True but Unhelpful." immediately comes to mind. I have, however, not allowed myself to wallow in this gloom. I take measures to bring my head above the water line; creating illuminated artwork and shading a coloring book I got off of Amazon. A color book that is full of cats. Somehow, by indulging my inner old cat lady I slip the chains of sadness and fly free into blue skies. 

Everything little bit helps.

The Clan in currently in full residence with Kieran being on Fall Break and Rhiannon having returned from her seasonal work. She will be with us for a week before she is off again on her adventure, diverting down to Georgia before heading back to Texas and work. Colin is working overtime as a new series of projects gets underway at the plant, Seamus has picked up editing work to boost our income. I plan to reopen my cottage bakeshop on October 12th, hoping as we go into the holidays Indigo Pastry can fill in the corners. Extra income and, in the same motion, provide me with some soul lifting work. 

I will get back in the saddle, I am catching up to that rogue mare yet. I know that deep inside, I have a momentum that is hard to withstand and difficult to stop. Eventually, this storm will pass me by.

I think October will help in its own way. 

I've got two hands, one beating heart.
And I'll be alright. Gonna be alright.
I've got two hands, one beating heart.
And I'll be alright. Gonna be alright

 - Ingrid Michaelson, "Girls Chase Boys", Lights Out